Lost

Hey 

I think I’ve been lying to myself for a while now.  Saying I know where I want to live, what types of careers I’d like to have, and what kind of lifestyle I’m ready to aim for.  Telling myself I am capable of impossible things and if I just take enough notes and read enough websites and make enough bullet points, something will come through for me and it’s going to be amazing. Life is so so so long - that’s a scary fact. You see, I reconnected with my long lost cousin, who’s only 27.  The way he talked about his past couple of years, relationships, hardships and time in general - it baffled me. He’s now jobless and currently looking to start over. He doesn’t even remember his life at my age. Will I forget things too?

The truth is I don’t know where I want to live. But I know I enjoy more than just the two places I’ve got in bullet points. And I may have a list of potential job titles - which I’ll probably still try hard to land - but who knows if I’d be any good at them in the first place. And maybe I say I want a city apartment with a great view but what if I wake up in a year and want a backyard where the view is actually the smell? 

What’s got me is that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what’s next. 

I’ve always been good at lists. Making a plan. Setting goals. Following an order. I’ve always ticked off the boxes, made the check marks, been able to say YES I did THIS - now it’s time for THAT. 

I think that’s why my soul feels so shattered right now about not having ydubz next summer.  I will graduate.  And then there is nothing else I’ve been raised to tick off. Nothing to get excited for, to plan for, to make me smarter or better for the next thing.  Nothing to give me purpose, keep me grounded. 

It’s hard to make a list of new dreams when there’s no dictating factors to structure them.  

I don’t know what I want next. The feeling is called lost, I think.